Last Ride

I will probably not get a chance to say it to your face ....

I think this is the last ride ...

I knew this would be the last ride,i just came here to confirm that


I don't not think i can invest in this more,surely i have taken a lot,

I think i have also given a lot more than people give me credit for,

I remember many moments across decades where i was an silent observer but you need to consider if these moments would have occurred if i was not there.

I don't take credit for the people,i don't take credit for their actions ,its theirs
and theirs alone,the loyalty,friendship,passion and purity of actions and thoughts.


But i have always been there when these moments have passed and you had your doubts
i have always been there to see you fail and get up,i have been there for a lot
even when everyone else was not there.


You asked me why i keep these relationships .... i don't think you understand me
its been always for moments i get in return .....

And i think i ask for a small price in return.I just want a fair trade .

I have just asked for a few moments in a long journey and if i dont get those moments its not worth it for me to be a part of the journey any more.

I have been there where it all began ,but am sure i will not be there when it will all end ...

so thank you for everything ,we had my moment in the sun
but i really did not get what i came for here,i did not get what i wanted for in a long time


The story will go on as i have always known it will go on but I will not be a part of it anymore.

This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes, again

Blankness

Being at peace with blankness is surreal ...

Blankness ..... I do not know how to describe this feeling ,where i cannot see my future at all ......
i look inside my mind and i see nothing ... its not darkness ... its just that there is nothing there .....

I have miserable and in pain for most part of by life ....

The first time i stared at blankness was 3 years ago ,when i achieved my first real dream ...
The feeling of true happiness took a long time to sink in . Often i used to wonder if it was all a dream and than i would wake up to dreadful reality .

Months went by and dream was still on .... i started to believe that this was all real ...
I got more than what i had hoped for in past 3 years , of first time in my life i was at peace with my self .... and for a brief instant in time i was truly happy

My mind took a quantum leap that i could be proud of .... there is nothing more i could want in life ...

Its not that i do not have desires ... i want the world .... but that is because of my ego ,achieving these desires will get a sense of achievement ,fulfilling my ego ... but i know it cannot bring me happiness ...
happiness is a rare emotion ...  i known things which make be happy ,and they are all in my mind .... i do not need any external source to bring me peace or happiness ....  i can be get brief moments of joy whenever i want .....

But staring at blankness is something i have not yet understood ... and i dont know if it will go away
or i want it to go away ....

maybe i need to find a new dream .... maybe i need to be miserable again ,i tried to go back to my old life .... but i just couldnt ... my mind is truly at peace .....

There is nothing that i want from the world  my world is in my mind and its more radiant than a thousand sons  ..... i will break away soon and be completely consumed in mind and spirit ...
i long for that day where blankness takes over ....

Future

What does the future hold for me … for all of us.I feel scared whenever i think about this ….

how will i die,how will people i care about die.How will this impact me.Do i have the courage to see them die.

will i have the courage to do what is necessary at the end.How will this affect me.How will i survive without them.

Let’s face it i am a total misfit with no skill to survive.I have absolutely no skills to make real world decision.

or will i perish before them.Will they remember me.Will i get a great farewell.How will my last day be …..

Seeing my friends getting married,engaged,in relationship,starting a job,buying a house.i wonder will i ever get these things

then again i can only hear the world laughing at my friends and “Welcoming then to the machine”

I think about how we were important big fishes in a small pond.And how we entered a environment where we had to start

from the bottom….Will i ever become a big fish again ….
Being a giant in a small world ….or being a dwarf in a large universe …… and of failing ….
Then again i have realised that there will always be a bigger pond,bigger universe …..

Then atlast i think about john galt ……. have a good laugh,tell my self to screw the world ,my fickle mind ,irrelevant past , insignificant future and get on with the job …….

Parliment is supreme

Politicians always say that parliament is supreme.It is place where the fate of the country should be decided.The justification for this is that the members of parliament are elected by the people,hence whatever they say in the parliament is the voice of the people.No argument could be more flawed in the current scenario.How accessible are the Members of parliament,how can we approach them to give suggestion,what qualification do they hold to decide and vote on all the matters,who are the council of advisers of MP's,what are the qualification of MP's,Is there a system where members of constituency can voice their opinion on a particular legislation that is passed,how can MP's be made accountable if the go against the people of constituency . And on top of all their flaws,they make a mockery of parliament by reducing all debates to achieve political gains so that they remain in power rather than doing good for the country.
All laws made in the parliament will be best law,no one else in the world can come up with better system.This is also wrong.The quality of debates are so poor that you would think that do they have any rationale at all.They hold the constitution is supreme,it is the world of god and no improvements can be made in the constitution.The reject any new ideas based on the constitution,they reject any new ideas citing stability,they reject new ideas unless they are to profit from it.It is not a case that MP are not be trusted.But the are so closed and not transparent that they make it impossible to trust their judgement.
Contitution as envisioned at the time of formation of  country is supreme,.But it is also outdated.It was based on the view that will of the house will be the will of the majority.It was based on the premise most of people will be rational,hence the people they elect will the rational.And the decision they take in parliament will be rational.It always took into consideration that majority will be right and consist of rational minded people.But this premise is false.The rationale they present in the parliment is illogical and deceiving .The motives for their judgement are questionable.This leads us to conclusion that their decisions are biased.But the hope was that such people would be in the minority and majority will offset and correct such views.However in the current system.The majority is irrational and rational people are in minority.Theirs voice and decision hence have become irrelevant .This basic flaw which was not envisioned by the creators of constitution .This flaw must be rectified for parliamentary democracy to function efficiently again.
MP are not accountable for the stand they take in parliament.They donot need to provide any justification.We do not know on what basis they have made their decision.Have they taken into account the members of the constituency.How do the communication with the people who elected them.Do they have any mechanism so that people can approach them with view's.how does the voice of the people echo in parliament.how to the people address their griveance and concern to the MP's .These systems are not in place.So how can the MP's be justified in saying that they are the voice of the people just by the virtue that they have won a election that takes place once in 5 years.There must be a mechanism to challenge the MP's and challenge the parliament so that they work efficiently.They must mandatory work for prescribed number of hours,they must be penalized for disrupting and creating chaos in parliament.Their statements in the parliament must be held accountable and scrutinized.How come MP's can criticize the constitution in the parliament but when a common citizen does so he is a traitor.
Parliamentary democracy has turned into a monarchy.Most people in the parliament have remained in power irrespective of their performance,work they have done.This indicates a inherent flaw in the system.In a country of a billion people are there only a few 100 people whose are eligible to lead and decide the fate of the nation.New people must emerge and given a change.Successive terms as MP's must be discontinued.Otherwise the circle of power will never end.Once people who hold power will always remain in power.
MP's say that they are under constanty scrutiny and are unfairrly blamed.They have taken the responsibility of running the country.They have to bear the scrutiny and blame for failures collectively.In our system it not that only government takes the decision,it is the parliment.Hence entire parliament and distorted view of constitution is accountable for the state of apathy in the country.
If some people raise their voice against this,they are called as self righteous people.If some people present new and improved ideas to parliament,they are discarded due to massive egos of the MP's.The debates  in the parliament are mind numbing and disturbing.The result and conclusion of the debates are scary.Why should we trust such a parliament,why should we hold it supreme .......

Chaos

I have never known how to react when suddenly something totally unexpected,something impossible happens.
It may so happen that out impossible dreams  came true or our worst nightmare .
This is a rare occasion in my life where in one of my dream may have come true.I still do not believe that all this is happening.
My first reaction was I entered into a mode of denial,i refused to believe that this is really happening,that this was all a dream and i would wake up any moment now.
After few day have passed and i did not find myself waking up,i began evaluating the reason for my success.
One of the reason for my disbelief was that i did not think i was deserving enough to succeed.i had done very poorly at the test and it was a impossible chance at success.
I am unable to comprehend why i succeeded,why i was chosen based on what criteria.
I was some chaotic order of universe combined with my inherently paranoid nature that lead to a series of events that lead me to succeed.
I could have failed,i could have succeeded ,absolutely anything was possible on the day of my test.
"When i completed the first round and was waiting for the result for hours,where the began announcing the result i entered the hall the exact moment they were announcing my name,extremely weird coincidence.i still cannot believe that happened,
i check the result several time to check that it was indeed my name that was called
not entirely sure what lay ahead,i was called for the next round,i finished the round and when i was about to leave ,due to my inherently paranoid nature i check the result again and again found that i had one more test.
and it was because of this test that i was most likely selected.If i had not been such a paranoid person i would have left without checking the result again and most likely have failed.
the test also was not particularly good for me,and since there was nothing to loss i provided a display of some of my ego,i would like to thing that also had some part in my selection."
all the event determine heavily by chaotic order of universe made me come to the conclusion that one does not control ones destiny .since chaos can make or break you at any time
what one can control is be one true self under all circumstance
One can be our true paranoid weird self that and do thing that make one happy,do thing that one want's to do without regard for past of future.Since past has already occurred and there is never a point living in the past and due to inherently chaotic order of universe one can never control the future.
For if ever there was a right way i truly believe that this is it.accept the chaos and randomness of the universe and do the the best thing the only thing I can do and will do is to be me ,weird paranoid me........

26 Years

my friend always used to tell birthdays are not occasion to celebrate
we should be in fact be dark and gloomy as they bring us one year closer
to our death.

One more year has gone by ....
One more year of failure
one more year of lost promises
last year i had promised that next 25 year would count
for something ,bit here i and again as a failed and miserable soul

i has always take time in the past to enjoy this one day
to feel free without looking at my moral code

One more year has gone by ....
i punished my self today,i tried not to enjoy today

but still the day seemed special
it's what one feels,sad most of their lives
and only takes time to be happy or pretend to be happy
on certain days or occasion in our lives

and I think I am turning into something ordinary

it's like i have realized i am suddenly falling from the sky
and that i do not know to fly

fate is inevitable .no matter what path you choose

i have tried many things in the past to change the path of my life
try to achieve the good things in life
to improve the quality of my life,to do the right thing

i have failed at everything i have tried,
not lived up to the standard i had set for myself

i do not know where i go from here
if i will be here next year to continue the story
still running a lost race or completely surrendered to fate

i will remember today,because where I go from here
to heaven or hell gets decided from this point on ......
i will have a resolve made of stone .......

Failed again

I had failed yesterday
may entire life was judged in 10 min today
i tried ...well maybe not the best 
i have failed again .
i will neither by happy not successful
i will suffer from now until the dawn.i will never be happy ....ever
there will never be any redemption,and i ain't asking for none

Failed

I have failed. I have realized that i would never succeed in my current position I have let gone one of my dreams. Dream of immortality has faded possibly lost. I will take a break,a break from all that i am a stupid,disillusioned hypocrite. I will improve,i will come back.

Ayodhya

Babri Mosque , was alleged to have been built on the foundations of a Ram Janmabhoomi temple.
This temple was believed to be the actual birthplace of Lord Ram.
The Hindus claim that a temple at the spot was demolished to build this mosque.
About 500 years ago Babar, the founder of the Mughal dynasty destroyed the temple to build a mosque

so what the hindu right wing activist do was destroy the mosque to build a temple in return
if these parties VHP,BJP,RSS,Hindu Mahasabha are trying to establish a moral ground for their claim
on the land ,i fail to see so .

if the temple was destroyed by Babur he was a very evil man
but i fail to see how the religious fanatics who destroyed the mosque are any better than Babur.

this to again reiterate the fact that religious fanatics cannot claim any high moral ground for
the actions they have commited . the are as evil as people who had destroyed the temple.

if i may say so .i do not think they are even human being.
any normal god fearing human would have been consumed by unverable guilt for destroying the
mosque and consequences of which still plague this country

but these people refuse to even appologise for their actions,they feel no remorse
Purpose of religion has alwas been to make people more civilised and more humane .
but religion has made these people into barrbarians .
These people are not supporters of Ram there are RAVANS of today.

how have these people honoured Ram ,how have these people honoured Ayodhya ?
actions of these people to claim power,money and fame have been at cost of lakhs of innocent lives
what God would support this , what rational human being would support this ?

name of Ram is no longer associated with the peace,prosperity,integrity,greatness,courage,perfectne human,,the ideal man
name of Ram is associated with saffron,name of Ram is associated with fear,name of Ram has come to be associated
with the unfortunate incident that took place

how have they honoured the name of Lord Ram ....

The Atharva Veda called Ayodhya "a city built by gods and being as prosperous as paradise itself".
today nobody knows Ayodhya as a prosperous city.people know Ayodhya as disputed land
where a mosque was demolished and chain of events leading were triggere which lead to
loss of so many innocent lives .

how have these religious fanatics claiming to be voices of their religion honoured Ram
how have these religious fanatics honoured Ayodhya ,
how have these people honoured ram janmabhumi which they claim to worship .


Courts today have failed to upheld the rule of law.
the right thing to do was to ressurect the mosque.
you cannot allow savage people to take law into their own hands and reap the rewards for the same.

"eye for and eye will make the whole world blind"
even if temple had existed there,even if the temple was demolished to build the mosque
it was utterly wrong of these people to demolish the mosque.
they should have let go of the temple,or built the temple some other location

i am a non believer but i think i understand religion ...

what is this insane obsession to build a temple ?
their fanatic views have time and again plunged the country into chaos .

havent these people realised that they have been cause of misfortune and deaths of so many people
and that they will never be allowed to pass though the gates of heaven .
only hell would await them when they die .......

Ram will not strike down upon us with great vengeance if we do not construct a gand temple for him .
or construct the temple at some other location.

"God is willing to adjust,it is humans that are sttuborn,adamant and unwilling to adjust."

The hill

i think i have inability to grasp the seriousness to achieve my goals,
seriousness to succeed.
i know what is the right thing to do

but i let time pass ,like a stubborn silly child
i decide that i would not run up the hill
i would climb the hill at my own pace

people always keep telling me the
hills too steep to climb for me,
and somehow i keep proving them right

i have a few months to set things right i my list
i can only try more harder,try to be a bit more serious
and hope i will finally be able to climb the hill
i will finally be able to acknowledge my futile existance .

Sorry

Sorry for everything i have spoken so far....
it was not me that spoke these words.it was someone else
it was a person i wanted to be.But it was not me
i am a irresponsible worthless fool ...
forgive me if i have ever spoken to you
it i have uttered words of logic,
forget everything i ever said ,because i never
said it .
sorry for the deception .....
sorry for everything
please forget everything i have ever said
please forget everything i ever was ....
please forget me ................

The world

the world around us.
no matter how much we try escape .we cannot escape it
it influences us,it makes us who we are,then breaks us
it allows us to be and not to be ...

we are sometime as strong as world will allow us to be .
it one day the world say's,that's enough you can rise no more
we would helplessly stand still and wait till world allow's us to rise
resistance is futile ,it is the will of the world against our will

we are sometimes as weak as the world will allow us to be
it tells you ,you we strong for so long,now allow yourself to become weak
it deceives us by using kind words ,while it is not our will but
the will of the world that has succeed .as once we become weak
world will never again let us become strong .

we shall not listen to the world.
we shall neither be strong ,neither be weak
we shall oppose the world .we shall neither be black nor white
we shall try to be everything the world will not allow us to be ..... we shall be me

little Prince

You never know when you will miss someone when they are gone

letting go is never easy,but there is nothing more difficult of letting go of someone you really care about

and in their passing they take away something that can never be replaced which leaves a hole within you

and this hole seems to grow deeper because of the feeling deep inside where you know

that you will never meet again ....

i am entitled to shed a few tears of sadness,i am entitled to cry,i am entitled to be human

i am sad and i am also angry,i have no clue what i am supposed to feel.

i suck at saying goodbye's and so do you

For hope and happy ending's .... i wish you all the best

my greatest support ,my teacher,my friend.

we have set out on our path's.

i have a months head start on you.i will not waste this time when i am ahead

i will reach the top of the world before you ....

Message

when someday you wonder what has happened to me
you will read this and know that i had warned you well in advance .

this decision is not taken as a result of anger

this is a cold blooded logical decision .

one must know which bridge's to cross and which bridge's to burn

and this in one bridge that must burn.

we know the path's we are supposed to set out on.we know our destination.

We are never going to meet again ...... at least till we succeed

and i will not give a real reason for this decision.

you want a reason here it is.i cannot be around people to whom the mere sight of me

is torture.

Everything is Lost

i have lost everything .
there is nothing left but a hollow existence .
all that i thought i was is lost .
my ego has lost,my mind has lost .every inch of me has lost
i failed to live upto my expectations .i was never even close.
i have lost and i have nowhere to go.it's too late in the day for me to change
too late to look back and life and search for a better way.
i come to see that life i led is a complete lie .
but i do know to lead an other kind of life
i have to life this hollow life to the end .

i had already lost before i even began .....

out there people are creating artificial life,means of teleportation
and i am unable to comprehend calculus,
i had a dream that one day i would invent something .....
something great.
the dream still lives on ,slowly fading away day by day.....soon the dream will be forgotten
and all hope lost
i will live in mediocrity and die in mediocrity
nothing in the world would have changed by the consequence on my existence
my will soon fade away after i die and it would be as if i have never lived
i have to live with this fact .live with the fact that i have lost .......
all my hope and aspirations ,dreams have lost and
that i am and will be nothing more than me.

False Ego

Whenever one encounter's failure,one need's to check one's premises
one needs to looks at why we failed.
It was oblivious lack of effort,lack of skill and lack of knowledge
we all know that .this is no surprise .
but we need to discover how it came to be .
how come we did not try hard enough even though we knew the skill required to achieve our dreams
was it because we were overconfident .
was it because we sailing on our yesterday's triumphs
was it because we though we were so good that we did not bother to try hard enough
was it because we thought we were so good that we though that it was not i who has failed but everyone else in the world
was it because we were blinded by our false ego,was it because we were blinded because of our own ego
the ego that we were proud off,the ego that was suppose to be true ..
we need to drive away our ego . keep our ego in chains
till we are capable of controlling it.
we can no longer afford false ego blind us.we can no longer afford to fall .....

25 Years

25 years of my life totally worthless.
How can i redeem myself .
how can i make up for the things i failed to do.
how can i make up for moments i could have enjoyed
how can i make up for moments i could have cried
How can make up moments i could i lived .
how do i make up for lost times.

this year was different from previous years
i remember it has been 4 years that i have been celebrating my birthday this way.
i all the previous years i remember being angry and carrying hate i my heart
i enjoyed myself but i was still angry at all the people ,my friends,my family etc
this year the i did hot have hate and anger in my heart
i enjoyed the entire day,i lived the entire day .
and i realized the key to my happiness is myself
but the key to anger and hate are other people in my life
so only rational conclusion seems to me is to attain detachment from everyone i know
i will be alone .i will be happy .i will be as i am now !!!!!

one minuscule accomplishment

I thought i would end ... but it did not
I will have to wait .... wait alone ..... i have to disillusion myself.
I must be free of myself . To be something better,to become someone better.
I thought i had changed in all these years,i thought i had grown .
But i realize it was all a lie , i was just pretending ,i was lying to myself and everyone around me.
And i have lived this life so long that it has become a part of me .
If i stop pretending ,i cannot even imaging what i would do ....
I will wait .... It seems so far away .....i can see no path to succeed
but what else can i do by try .I do not know what else to do
I have to wait,i have to try ....that all that i know to do .... what else can i do .....
Giving up this life ,choosing to become someone else does not seem like a option
i have accepted failure,i have accepted defeat,but accepting my limits does not seen like a option
i had come some way,from being a brainless drone to what i am today.i have to believe i can go further
If i accept my limits ,what will i do for the rest of my life ,
how would i be able to live the reset of my life
Only thing i have left that is pure is my ego .... I will have to let go of it ,if i accept my limits
I really love my Ego .....
i have to be someone better .A life to no accomplishments ... this is not the time i can let go .....
I have to try one muster atleast minuscule accomplishment .Then look further from there ....
I am not looking to become greater,i am not looking for grandeur .... i am looking for one minuscule accomplishment

Law of nature

Law of nature is to choose the path of existence which offer's the least resistance,
Every thing in nature from plants,animals,insects as well as elemental forces of nature like
electricity,gravity,magnetism,wind and water etc choose the path that offer the least resistance.
they are bound by the law's of nature to do so.
Humans are somewhat different,we are offered a choice to choose the path for our self.
One often makes various choices,and ends up choosing the path of maximum resistance
one struggles,fight's against law of nature and there is a infinitesimal chance that one succeeds.
unlike other elements of nature which do not possess the ability to learn and acquire knowledge
humans have been provided with a faculty to alter one's nature.
Hence one can choose to be anything
And more often than not one want's to become something other than what one presently is
or something other than what nature has chosen him to become.
Since choosing to become something else is going against nature ,one is bound to encounter
great struggle to overcome the laws of nature.
One count on allies to help one out in this ordeal.
One has to and must do this alone if he truly wishes to succeed
One cannot even be sure that he can defeat nature.
For some it may take second's and for some it may take a lifetime to overcome nature
But like all those who have tried know that if one encounters failure it is not because nature
cannot be defeated,it is only because one has not tried hard enough.
For all those who succeed understand or deserve to say that there is no such thing as law of nature
The journey,the path of struggle,the choice one made was all an illusion,a fragment of ones imagination.
In the end ,those who have succeeded deserve to say that this is what they were all alone

Do i really want to live

All the events going on in the world seem like random act's.

Instinctive reactions to some invisible stimulus .

A voice shouting in our head "Do we really want to live ?"

We are not sure and in our indecision we have succumbed to voices in our head accepted the futility of asking such a question .

We begin to talk to ourself .We tell ousrself Not searching for the answer to the questions in our head surely takes a toll on us ...Makes us a little crazy

But then again the answer is equally like to shatter us ,again wrapped in indesicion we are faced with choices which will leads to the

same place no matter what we choose,We realize that

if all the paths lead to the same place then choice is just a matter of illusion ,

If we are all destined to die,what difference does it make how we lead our lives ,if final destination is the same

Then life and our act of living this live is just a pretence .There is no purpose to life at all.

Sure if heaven existed ,god would have sent us to heaven considering all the good deeds we have done during our life time

But we know that heaven and hell do not exist and neither does God.We wish that god existed everything would be so simple.

Future would be so clear.But he does not .

So then again to fill in the void call life we need to create a illusion for ourself and everyone around us.

So we create a abstraction to justify our existence . And We call this abstraction "Purpose of life "

We never Define it,we never quantify it,we never establish it,we only whisper it deepest silent hall of our minds

We do not let anyone hear it not ever ourself .

And the Nature of the abstraction is irrelevant at this point and is saved for future discussion.

We all live with this pretence ,But we are never to speak of it.

As it always existed,there lies an abstration majority of people choose to adopt.

And if you find yourself in the majority ,You will begin to see the world a little bit differently ,

And you will hate and despise all the people who have choosen other abstrations and vice versa .

Because of differences in these people they are capable of seeing the other people truly are

an with this knowledge we begin to see what we truly are also.

Most of the human race realises this so we never try to recognize anybody who is different .

They only way to know that two people are different is for them to have seperate identities .,for them to have

distinct individual traits.

Hence to shield our selves from knowing the truth all we have to do is never possess any individuality ,

It's really simple,

All we have to do is always agree with what other people

And only share a opinion which eveyone will agree .Never possess a opinion different from others.

Possess and learn the same ideas,Like the same songs,read the same book

Follow and adopt each others abstrations ,Life will turn into a wondeful journey

a false journey but nontheless a wonderful journey

We will all be the same

We will all be different

It really does not matter

We all have to live

We are all doomed to die ..........

I have still not answered the question in my head

Do we really want to live ?

May be i will save it for another day .....