who am i ?

I just finished reading 1984 .
i could not accept how could a person deceive himself into accepting things he disbelieved in.
how could a person accept something that would compromise his ideas and values.
how could a person truly accept something that would compromise is soul.
I thought it is just not humanly possible for this to happen.
never would it happen to me.not in a million years

The next day in a discussion with my friends i found i was no different.
and from that day on i have suffered.

I found that i had deceived my self into believing i was truly happy
my dreams were naive.
That my life is good now and will get better .
and i do not need to pursue my old dreams anymore .

I don't know how it happened or why it happened
but it surely happened.
I was not forced by any grave situations or fear
My strong and idealistic mind was defeated by something unknown

i am no longer sure what i really am

i am always in doubt whether it is really me or some false portrayal
of ideas and thoughts accumulated along the way

I am unable to define and justify my existence

any way how do you define your existence ?

i unable to decide whether i really believe in my thought
because i have a great vision for myself but i am not able to
put it in practice.

are my dreams really my own ?

i am lost

I have lost my sense of purpose in life.

these realizations has taken a tool on my soul


"There are no foes or friends tonight
all alone i endure this night
i never thought the light would be so bright
now i can never close my eyes"